Paganism: Ethics and Sexuality

[Brijrian]

I, and I suspect many other people on here, were raised with Christian sexual morality. This usually reads: sex/sexuality is taboo/dirty (but oh so appealing!), masturbation is wrong, you should remain a virgin until you marry the opposite sex, and you should have only one sexual partner your entire life. To do anything else makes you a bad person, and shame on you!

In the pagan/wiccan/new age community the practice of polyamory, bisexuality, sexual freedom, etc. are far more common. I believe that biologically, human sexuality exists on at least 2 spectrums:
1) heterosexual-bisexual-homosexual
2) monogamous-polyamorous

I am going to be counseling people in the future, as my path and focus is one of leadership/clergy, and so I have been thinking about just what my sexual assumptions are, and just how am I going to councel people when they come to me with problems of this sort. Especially when we exist on different places in the spectrums.

For example, as a pagan, is it moral to have multiple one-night-stands just to satisfy physical desire? Or is it better to councel more care and less freedom in the interest of health and safety? And to also try to help the person figure out why they are only drawn to short-term relationships? 

If someone is solidly bisexual (i.e. are equally drawn to both sexes) and is in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, is it ethical to their sexual nature to deny a relationship with one of the same sex also?

How does one determine if a desire to become polyamorous is a symptom of a problem in the current relationship, or simply a natural part of their nature?



Things like this I wonder about. So I am curious: how do you personally define sexual morality? How has it changed since you began your path? What do you think is the ideal of sexuality?

[RedRonin]

My thinking on this has remained the same regardless of the time frame pertaining to my separation from the christian faiths.

If one is in what is understood to be a monogamous relationship, regardless of the genders involved, it is a moral obligation to remain faithful to that relationship.

Outside of such a situation, what is understood and agreed upon by consenting adults is their business and nobody else's.

One-nighters for the sake of sexual release.....  Is that much different than mastubation with another body present?  The object is the release, not an emotional tie.  The big trick there is whether or not both parties not only understand the ramifications but are also emotionally equipped to deal with such.  Talk is cheap when the wine's flowing and the hormones are all abuzz.  Waking up next to someone the next morning and how to deal with that is another matter altogether.  That's where, at least in my opinion, the need for preliminary counselling begins.

[Jennie]

The Charge of the Goddess says "All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals." Some people take this to mean that sensual indulgence for its own sake, whether in food, sex, or some other pleasurable pursuit, is encouraged. Others take it to mean that these things should be approached reverently and with mindfulness and awareness of the sacred nature of life and embodiment and the immanence of the Divine, to recognize the Divine reflection in all our loves and desires. Still others think it means you have to sleep with the HP.

I tend to favor the mindful awareness approach, myself.

My personal rule of thumb to determine whether any given behavior (sexual or otherwise)is ethical is to ask if it violates anyone's free will (or involves a party who is not capable of giving truly free consent), and causes anyone unnecessary harm. If not, it is ok. If so, not ok. 

My personal idea of the ideal sexual relationship is one of mutual respect and love between equal partners.

Bright blessings,
Jennie

[Gryphon]

Polamory and monogamy are not all that different when the basic ethics of sexual behavior is involved.

A committed relationship should be honored whether it is between a man/woman, man/man, woman/woman or man/woman/woman man/man/woman or any other combination of adults.

Many people become 'pagan' because they think it gives them free license to be promiscuous. It doesn't. The Charge of the Goddess says all acts of love... but it also says harm none.

Promiscuity is not safe, whatever one's chosen spiritual path. Even aside from the obvious concerns of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, there is the emotional concern of being intimate with virtual strangers.

Picking up people at gathers for a one night stand is really no different than picking them up at bars. Doing this a habitually (IMO) can cause emotional harm, if not to self, then to others. And if that happens, how can it be seen as a "moral" act in a Pagan sense.

In one of my Pagan ethics workshops, I teach that the circumstances surrounding any given act and the people involved need to be taken into consideration in order to determine if Harm has occurred. Pagan ethics are many shades of gray. There is no one-size fits all.

In your counseling situations you need to observe the entire circumstance before deciding what is the proper way to proceed.

(In case you didn't know, polyamory is a committed relationship between all partners involved. If one is not in agreement, it's something else all together.)

[Lark]

In my opinion what is best to advise in terms of adult sexuality is that it be safe, sane, and consensual.

In Pagan beliefs about sexuality there is no one right way for all.  What may be right for one individual may not be right for everyone.  I have friends who are happily polyamorous and that's fine.  I couldn't do it, but that's my hangup.  I am monogamous and that works for me.

Is there a problem with one night stands?  Not if both parties take part with the understanding that it's just for fun and take appropriate precautions against STD's and/or pregnancy.  As Jennie said, the Charge says "all acts of love and pleasure" not just those that take place in a committed relationship.

Remember when we are counseling that it is not about our own beliefs, but rather about the person we are counseling.  We don't have to be of their sexual persuasion to give good counsel.  Where we do have an obligation as clergy to point out the repercussions of their actions is if those actions are resulting in harm to themselves or to others.  But if everyone involved is an adult and if the activity is safe, sane, and consensual then there is no problem.

-Lark-

[RedRonin]

SANE!?!?!?!??!!!?

................................drat...........

[Lark]

SANE!?!?!?!??!!!?

................................drat...........

And leave the goat out of this!

-Lark-

[Labrys]

SANE!?!?!?!??!!!?

................................drat...........

And leave the goat out of this!

-Lark-

Oh, well, there goes MY question/comment.

::::scurries away, snickering::::::

[Brijrian]

In Pagan beliefs about sexuality there is no one right way for all...Remember when we are counseling that it is not about our own beliefs, but rather about the person we are counseling.

 

Yes, I agree with this totally, and this is the answer I have come to for myself. I think that the real reason for my insecurity in this area is more about how to be certain that I am disengaging my own personal preferences/bias from the counseling. That will have to grow from awareness and practice, I think.

Where we do have an obligation as clergy to point out the repercussions of their actions is if those actions are resulting in harm to themselves or to others.  But if everyone involved is an adult and if the activity is safe, sane, and consensual then there is no problem.

A good reminder, thank you.

[Zenon]

hello!  sex is sacred and should be honored as an expression of your own divinity.  in my opinion it is essential that you revere it, don't take it lightly, enjoy the ecstatic experience of sex, in whatever form you experience it.  don't defile it by embracing pornography that simplifies it to physical satisfaction, or shunning it as something dirty and taboo.  please remember that everytime you are having sex (with other people or with yourself) you are creating in all planes of existence.

[Zenon]

how do you personally define sexual morality?

sex is an act of creation - it is an expression of divine power. it's ecstasy is to look into the meaning of life.  only if you are healthy and at peace should you attempt to bond in such a way with other people.



How has it changed since you began your path?

completely.  i used to have a vague and vulgar idea of what sex is.  now I have learned a thing or two that lets me understand it better.



What do you think is the ideal of sexuality?

sexuality if the ideal itself - sexuality is the basis of our being.  everything we do is influenced by it.

[Brenin]

When looking at the line "all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals," the word that always stands out the most to me is "love."

I don't think one night stands are love--to me, love implies that emotional link, a bond between two souls.

For me, what defines sexual ethics is communication. The two (or more) persons involved need to be honest with each other about what they want.  For example, I would be more than pleased to be in a monogamous relationship, but I would be equally okay with a more open relationship if that was what my partner wanted.  Honesty and communication are the important things; the actual sexual acts are secondary to that.

Just my opinion, for what it's worth

[Still Kate]

As a qualified counsellor myself, remember, you are not there to judge  or state your beliefs or morals to your client. Everyones internal frame of reference (what we ourselves perceive as right / wrong morally) is not necessarily going to be the same as your clients internal frame of reference.
It is more important to support your client and listen,listen, listen. Be sensitve to their beliefs and feelings. You are there to assist your client in understanding themselves and their problems better, the support they need will change at different times of their relationship with you.

Yes, you need to evaluate your morals / beliefs about certain subjects because it is important to know yourself and understand how you will react to things your client may say, but this should not be used to influence your client.  Also remember, if the clients problem is beyond your expertise then refer them to another counsellor.

I have big issues counselling sex offenders, especially child related cases and therefore choose not to counsel these people.   Its not good for a client / counsellor relationship if I'm sitting there for an hour wondering what it would be like to hang the client slowly and painfully from the rafters with a thick rope. 

That said, good luck and enjoy counselling, its a very fulfilling carreer. Be sure to have your monthly sessions with your counsellor to off load and keep your mental state healthy. You'll be surprised what we take home with us after a session.

[Labrys]

When looking at the line "all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals," the word that always stands out the most to me is "love."

I don't think one night stands are love--to me, love implies that emotional link, a bond between two souls.

There are many kinds of love.  Not every love is meant to be a commitment of years or life.  Love can be a comforting thing, yes, even sexually.  Sex can be an act of friendship, a gift shared in affirmation that something is salvaged in a hostile place and time.  Sex, especially one night stands, can be a gift given to ONEself as well...and so long as the other person involved has a good time and is not hurt, it can meet a definition as an act of love.

Soul linkage is an iffy thing.  Body linkage, obviously, is easier.  And for some damaged and battered souls, the way TO the soul is through the body linkage.  Even in youth and singleness, I did not open my soul OR body to just anyone.  I let nobody touch my soul unless they had already proven they could touch my body without harm!

I do contend, though not Wiccan, that in that quoted phrase, the word "pleasure" is not to be discounted or counted inferior to the word "love."

[Brenin]

When looking at the line "all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals," the word that always stands out the most to me is "love."

I don't think one night stands are love--to me, love implies that emotional link, a bond between two souls.

There are many kinds of love.  Not every love is meant to be a commitment of years or life.  Love can be a comforting thing, yes, even sexually.  Sex can be an act of friendship, a gift shared in affirmation that something is salvaged in a hostile place and time.  Sex, especially one night stands, can be a gift given to ONEself as well...and so long as the other person involved has a good time and is not hurt, it can meet a definition as an act of love.

Soul linkage is an iffy thing.  Body linkage, obviously, is easier.  And for some damaged and battered souls, the way TO the soul is through the body linkage.  Even in youth and singleness, I did not open my soul OR body to just anyone.  I let nobody touch my soul unless they had already proven they could touch my body without harm!

I do contend, though not Wiccan, that in that quoted phrase, the word "pleasure" is not to be discounted or counted inferior to the word "love."

I consider friendship love. By no means do I think sex has to come with a long term commitment   My point, I suppose, is that I (and I can only speak from my limited, personal experience) can't have sex and keep it only physical. There is always an emotional/spiritual bond formed (which is what I mean by souls linking, and beyond that I form these links all the time, not consciously. If I meet someone, there's a thread between us. It's more like tree trunks between some of my good friends and myself) when I have sex, as well as an exchange of energy--a part of my lover becomes a part of myself.

So, for me, sex is an act of the body and spirit working in concert, love being the spiritual, and pleasure the physical.  My views have been different in the past, and I expect they will change again in the future.  Just offering my "two cents," you could say