Epiphany

[Labrys]

That word sounds so much better, has so much more gravitas tan ducking my head and going "A...duuuuh!" doesn't it?  But the duh thing is more what I feel like, to be honest---I am such an idiot at times.

I have long felt a sense of disconnect regarding Athena, a goddess I have long honored.  I constantly searched for how I might have erred to feel this isolation when I feel most in need of that nigh imperceptible aid from those Others.  Last night, as I tossed before sleep, it suddenly hit me.  I was thinking of a friend whose grandchild is fighting for life, and mentally going thru the list of family deities---a grand tossed salad of pantheons.

I was thinking of some of my recent reading and new efforts at meditation with different goals, and somewhat casually and cautiously asking....who can help this poor baby?  Who do I go to, when my own efforts seem so insufficient?  And in that odd non-vocal and non-self way, that voice that answers, Someone said,
"What will you give me?"  And it was none of the Beings who have stones in the circle named for them.  It was someone I never thought to reach to before, even as I do sometimes reach beyond the family circle.

I cautiously answered, "There is nothing I have that is not already promised elsewhere, I have to maintain honors long set."  In reply, it seemed, the answer was that I had time to offer.  And in my mind, my very lousy non-visual, can't pathwork see to save myself mind, a flash of image.  Beauty in black, and a flash of bone.

Loki's pretty daughter, Hel.  I promised her nine minutes, four mornings a week---before coffee, before everything for me, in the hanging chair on the porch (regardless what weather) in meditation on traveling to her gates in trance, to see and to guide if need be.   And the question of Athena was answered.  Athena is concerned with LIVE heroes; but the living have very little to do with ME.

My concern IS the dead, that is why the heart of the Labyrinth hold's Freyja's Gate---to her hall.  But not all the dead go to Freyja; of course, not every death is a battle death.  There are many halls for the dead in the Nordic tradition.  Hel has stepped up.  But if she doesn't keep that loose bargain?  If the child dies?  She set herself an out, she asked me "But what if death is a mercy." and I buried my face in my pillow.

Athena is not angry with me, but she is busy with living soldiers.  And I cannot help her there, of course.....and she can not help me where I am, either.

[Lark]

It's those AHA! moments that make this path such a powerful one.Of course Hel makes perfect sense.  But she can be one of those uncomfortable Goddesses so she isn't one that we automatically think of.  Making deals with Death isn't something that our society likes to think about.

I think you also raise an important issue in that so often we are like children wanting the Gods to give, give, give but never thinking that traditionally there was a deal made between the petitioner and the Gods in which the petitioner made an appropriate sacrifice in order to obtain the needed help from the Gods.  That seems to have passed out of our ways of practice and that's a shame. 

-Lark-

[Jennie]

This story, particularly the part about "What if it is a mercy?" reminds me of a very powerful encounter with the Gods that happened over 15 years ago, right around the time that I was dedicating myself to the Gods. My very young niece (my brother's daughter) was in grave danger from her psychotic, drug-addicted mother. My mother called me from the hospital ER to tell me that the girl's mother had dropped my niece off with her, and the child was bruised and bleeding from the ears.

I was, needless to say, distraught, and afraid that she would die. I ran into my room, threw myself down on the bed, and literally cried out, "Lord, and Lady, protect her!I'll do anything it takes." The immediate response was an image of an open grave, and a feminine voice that said "I am the mother of all, and none can come to harm in my embrace," immediately followed by an image of Cernunnos and a masculine voice intoning, "I am the God of death and rebirth. Have no fear." I instantly understood this to mean that sometimes the only protection, the only escape from pain and torment, lay in death, and that death was not to be feared, that in asking for this child to be protected, I might be asking for her death, or that if I asked for her to live, I might be leaving her unprotected. I was immediately calmed, and oddly accepting. I knew that if she did die, there were worse things. There was a radical shift in my attitude toward death that has, fortunately, considering the number of family and friends who have passed in recent years, remained with me to this day. My niece recovered, and  my mother eventually gained custody of her, and, following my mother's death, she came to live with us. She is a month away from turning 18. But my father died from a massive heart attack three days after that encounter.

[Labrys]

It's those AHA! moments that make this path such a powerful one.Of course Hel makes perfect sense. 

Yeah, so much so that I feel very 'dumb blonde joke' about it now!

I think you also raise an important issue in that so often we are like children wanting the Gods to give, give, give but never thinking that traditionally there was a deal made between the petitioner and the Gods in which the petitioner made an appropriate sacrifice in order to obtain the needed help from the Gods.  That seems to have passed out of our ways of practice and that's a shame. 

-Lark-

I have always been a very "contractual sort"...I think my kind of automatic flutter when confronted with the suffering of a child is a leftover of my attempts at Christianity.  I do tend, now, to think of my entire life as being a give and take interaction between the deities I follow and the duties I take upon myself.  And yes, a different world it would be if that was more common. 

I think that is the difference between an adult faith and one that infantilizes its believers.

[Labrys]

 The immediate response was an image of an open grave, and a feminine voice that said "I am the mother of all, and none can come to harm in my embrace," immediately followed by an image of Cernunnos and a masculine voice intoning, "I am the God of death and rebirth. Have no fear." 

Powerful indeed.  This is always more or less the sense I get in interaction.  It is why, in this household, a common saying is that there are many, many things worse than death.

[Lark]

It's those AHA! moments that make this path such a powerful one.Of course Hel makes perfect sense. 

Yeah, so much so that I feel very 'dumb blonde joke' about it now!

I once asked the HPS who trained me why the Gods never seemed to just speak up and attract my attention but always seemed to use the cosmic 2x4 instead.

"What's your sign", she asked

"Taurus", I replied.

"I rest my case", she said.

I suspect that we often get so caught up in our own thoughts and feelings and day to day life that we don't hear the quiet "ahem" behind us.  Eventually they get irritated and use more intrusive means to get our attention.

-Lark-

[Labrys]

I suspect that we often get so caught up in our own thoughts and feelings and day to day life that we don't hear the quiet "ahem" behind us.  Eventually they get irritated and use more intrusive means to get our attention.

-Lark-

Too true, alas.  I have an inner skeptic who does a terrific/horrific filter job on certain types of "realities" and to my detriment, to be honest.  I know William James wrote about the need to set aside disbelief, but what I wish is that he wrote HOW! 

It is surely a bad thing that I am a "hard nut"...since I am a (soft) polytheist(Is that like a 3-minute egg?!), I think it is why I feel 'handed-off' across pantheons to see who can "crack" me.  Sometimes, I feel like a Chinese puzzle box of sorts and various deities get thru on varied levels of my life experience. I am getting tired of the struggle to open myself, and not succeeding much.  I just wish the Deities would call up their personal safe-cracker at help me out! 

Yeah...there it is, huh?  Laziness and wishing THEM to do all the work.  I keep trying, but don't they have a few Marines around to take down this wall?

[Brijrian]

When I first read your post, Labrys, I didn't have any words. I wanted to respond, your post being so profound, but I guess I didn't want to disturb the still lake, so to speak.

What you described just feels...sacred.

So congratulations on your "breakout". (Doesn't sound like you've had the personal "break through" you are needing yet!)

It is an appropriate time of year to be talking of Hel and death and the underworld. I just want to share my appreciation of everyone sharing their sacred stories. It has given me food for thought.

*Brij

[Lark]

I keep trying, but don't they have a few Marines around to take down this wall?

Ahh, but ask yourself..is there REALLY a wall there or is it an illusion born out of your own doubts?  (Sheesh now I sound like the guy in The Matrix..there is no spoon!"  But seriously sometimes we see obstacles and behave as though there were an obstacle there when in reality it is all illusion.  Like Obiwan said to Luke, "Your eyes can deceive you.  Let go your conscious self and act on instinct".  Like the Fool in the Tarot deck we sometimes need to close our eyes, trust in our Gods, and step off that cliff.

And don't ask me where that all came from, but it was what seemed to come out of my fingers.

-Lark-

[Labrys]

I guess I didn't want to disturb the still lake, so to speak.

Oh, disturb away! 

What you described just feels...sacred.

So congratulations on your "breakout". (Doesn't sound like you've had the personal "break through" you are needing yet!)

I don't know, it may be, as Lark's post suggested, that I am just armored up in doubts and not able to "get" the entire thing yet.

It is an appropriate time of year to be talking of Hel and death and the underworld. I just want to share my appreciation of everyone sharing their sacred stories. It has given me food for thought.

*Brij

This is my favorite time of year, because it is the most sacred of times to me. One year, I slept out on the Labyrinth overnight...and what I felt was that I was needed there that night.  This year, I don't know yet...but the firepit is ready.  And I am meditating for Hel (now THERE is a statement to make some of the looser-screwed fundies come undone, lol!) in the mornings...and feeling strangely dislocated.  I think that may be progress in my ultra-controlled world!

[Labrys]

 Let go your conscious self and act on instinct".  Like the Fool in the Tarot deck we sometimes need to close our eyes, trust in our Gods, and step off that cliff.

And don't ask me where that all came from, but it was what seemed to come out of my fingers.

-Lark-

I wish my eyes would try to deceive me, lol. Instinct is ALL I am going on, nothing else seems to work. But always in control, that is the wall, it seems, letting go of the conscious self.  I am one of those always in command sorts...never drunk enough to lose control (not for lack of trying in younger days), never a single drug experience. I don't think I know what letting go feels like.  And it is a bit of a mystery to me; one one hand, I feel I MUST let go; on the other that voice of 'out there' tells me I am just fine as I am.

What color is confused?  Hand me THAT crayon...