Paganism and Depression? (Ramble...)

[Picador]

Sorry.

[spirit]

I think you're right to seek help and advice; however there are two issues which although related, are really quite seperate and need addressing individually - the search for your faith and overwhelming depression. And I feel the depression, with its overwhelming impact, needs addressing first. And I don't think that this forum, for all its merits, can help you to deal with how you are feeling. The first response to self harm and depression is often a medicalised approach, quite rightly so, but I understand your need also to seek support from real human beings.

I would definitely have a chat with your GP at the first opportunity and share how you are feeling. You've said yourself you are at risk of both self harm and harming others, therefore you must take responsibility to obtain support. Your GP may be able to signpost you to support groups or professional therapeutic support, such as cognitive therapy rather than counselling which can, with time and effort help you to re-frame your life and start to feel some relief.
As you know, depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain - perhaps your fluoxetine is not the right dose or medication for you; it is possible, with medical monitoring and support to find medication which better suits you.

Your first port of call must be your GP. You can get through this, however bleak it seems.And when you start to feel more like yourself again, which you will, trust in that, then you can put your efforts in to pursuing your religion.

[Labrys]

My problem now is that I don't want life. I read once that, if you can't find divinity within, you'll never find it without. I've found nothing, and searching gets harder everyday.

Please, if you can, believe me when I say, I was once where you are now.  And sooner....it DOES get better.  It is not easy.  I am not an administrator of sunshine enemas.  I did not "find divinity within" and I think that is a load of crap to think that is should be assumed. 

A few months ago, I asked for help here. The response was overwhelmingly touching, and gave me a glimmer of hope.

I don't think I was here then.  I am so sorry to hear of your travails, and I ask you to cling to that glimmer you say some months ago.  What you must do is worry less about finding divinity and more about finding something that makes your own life feel worthwhile to you. This is very difficult at sixteen in a nation that often acts like teenagers are worthless.

I do not know you, of course, and cannot presume that what worked for me will help you---only you can know.  You might ask your doctor if the Prozac could be contributing to suicidal thoughts---it has been known to do that especially in the young.  Second, find something to passionately care about---commit to helping someone who is struggling in more pain than your yourself are dealing with, for instance.  For me, this was little old women in my neighborhood---often poor and housebound.  I shopped for them, cleaned for them, and cooked for them so they could eat better.  They depended upon me utterly.

And then, when the urge came, I could not abandon them for the convenience of my personal misery.  And no, I know this is not a permanent solution.  Nor was it for me.  But it got me through the worst of it and I am in my fifties now and although I will not lie and say I never have depressed times; generally I feel my life has been worthwhile and touched with joys that made it worth the fight.

Blessings to you.

[Lark]

Hi Sweetie,

I am so sorry that you're going through this severe depression again.  I only hope that we can find the words to help you keep on with living because it would break our hearts to lose you.

First of all, have you said anything to your Mom or your doctor about your thoughts and about the fact that the Prozac isn't helping?  I know you don't want to go back to the hospital, but maybe that's not necessary.  But people can't help you if they don't realize that you are needing help.  As Labrys said, Prozac can sometimes cause depression and suicidal thoughts in young people.  It may be that if you talk to your doctor you could be put on a different medicine that would improve your mood and help you with your depression.

Secondly, you do love life and want to live, you just don't realize it.  If you didn't want to go on living you wouldn't be talking to your therapist and you wouldn't be talking to us.  I think that what you really would like if for the pain to die, not yourself.  Remember that the two are not the same thing.  Remember that you can make the pain die without killing yourself in the process.

Labrys made a good suggestion in recommending that you find something to do that you care passionately about.  Maybe it would be another person, maybe it would be a stray animal.  Remind yourself that there is always someone or something that needs you desperately.

Sometimes when we try to look ahead to a future we think is better we get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task necessary to get there.  One way to make the future seem more attainable is to break it down into baby steps.  Try this exercise:  Sit down and imagine a day 5 years from now that is the most perfect day you can imagine.  See where you are, who is with you, what you are doing.  Then think about the one thing you can do right now to make that future come into being.  Do that thing.  Once that is done repeat the exercise one step at a time.

I know you don't want to go back to school.  But school may be that one step toward the future you want.  Education is a key to a future.  Can you hold on to that key for another semester?  Remember you can always quit..just take it one step at a time.

Sometimes we get so bound up in our own concerns and worries that our own voice in our head drowns out the voice of the Goddess.  While you are telling yourself how sad you are, how nothing seems fair, how life isn't happy you are missing Her whispered "I am here".  Can you stop your thoughts long enough to simply say "Help me!"?  She will help you know.

Look around you.  She is everywhere you are.  She is the weed struggling up through the sidewalk.  She is the breath of cool air on a hot day.  She is in friends and family. She is life, love, and yes even death sometimes. And She is in you even if you haven't found her yet.  Sometimes we try too hard in seeking Her.  Try to stop seeking and just BE.

And please, remember your promises that you made to me those months ago.  One of them was to let your Mom know if things started going bad again.

-Lark-

[Picador]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have posted. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know I should say more but I don't know what to say. Sorry.

[Lark]

Sweetie, of course you should have posted.  We're your friends here and who better than your friends to talk to when you have problems.  We care about you and we worry about you when we don't hear from you.  So post anytime for any reason even if it is just to say "Hi".

PM me if you'd rather talk in private.

-Lark-

[Bluefish]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. Depression is an awful disease. Despite what your mean sickness is telling you, you are strong, you've been sick before and you are strong enough to beat the sickness now. I know it probably feels different, but that's the depression-poo in your head making things look bad. It will pass Picador, and you ARE strong and flexible enough to take your pain and grow from it.

Lots of people here care about you, and we have never even met you face to face! You ARE a decent person, you are kind and sympathetic and obviously clever. It's just hard for you to see that right now.
If your meds have stopped working, you need to talk to your counsellor or doctor about it so they can help you find some that do work. The chemicals in your head are being screwy and medication can help you to get them straightened out so that horrible arctic darkness inside you can fade out.

I'll be sending you brain healing thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.

[Labrys]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have posted. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know I should say more but I don't know what to say. Sorry.

Don't be silly!  What are message boards for if not for members to post when they need a spare hand to hold an umbrella during the s*** storms of life?  Post whenever you feel it will help!  Or even when you don't think anything will help---we will try to surprise you, I am sure.

[spirit]

And Picador, I strongly agree with Labrys that it is so therapeutic and self-fulfilling to provide some form of relevant help or support for somebody who is vulnerable...of course, you need to have the energy and interest to do it in the first place.

I was sick some time ago, following family trauma, and my mental health was affected. I got a job in a 'wet' centre for alcoholics in Nottingham to test if I had got my confidence back due to being severely low.
Initially I was pathetic, weak, annoyed and ridiculously judgmental at how much people drank (maybe 6 litres of white cider a day followed by litres of vodka) but after time, I learned how to understand the spirituality of the place. However poorly, or drunk, or sober, or depressed, or in fact dying the people were - we started to talk, draw, make clay pots, pottery, rock climbing, dancing, pub visits (sober ones),glitter t.shirts..the list goes on. And I strongly feel that my effort and lack of interest in myself through supporting others fuelled my recovery. Labrys is right, think of your interests...xx

[Picador]

Thanks so much, all of you. I'm feeling better. I'm still scared, but now I feel like I can handle it. I've started keeping a mood journal, which helps. I've also begun writing again- I had forgotten how therapeutic it can be.

I can't thank you enough. 

[Lark]

I'm glad to know you're feeling better.

I think that the mood journal and writing again are a great way to channel your energy.  And the mood journal may be able to help you see what your triggers are for your depression and perhaps avoid them or find ways to work around them in the future so you don't have such ups and downs.

Remember we are always here for you anytime you need to talk or vent, or just scream out loud.

-Lark-