Ritual Crazy Time

[Labrys]

This topic was on my mind because I took a look at my own blog the day after posting a topless photo of myself(no, not the tatt one on the avatar here) while in the grip of a type of altered state as a result of rather routine mundane and metaphysical "maintenance" on the Labyrinth. Now,by way of explanation, I am known by some friends as the last woman of my generation to have never sampled illegal substances of any sort, and I drink only on occasion and never in ritual; so when a metaphysical task like Labyrinth work alters my state it generally upsets me.  I am known to be one of those wildly controlled sorts who can't be hypnotized and fail miserably at guided meditations because I have far too tight a grip on "reality" as most of the world defines it.  So, how do I function at all in a more or less psycopomp-shaman role?

 I acknowledge that it is shamanic work I do part of the time out on the stones, so why do I still get alarmed? Shamanic work is SUPPOSED to involve altered states of consciousness! But it still takes me by surprise.
This weekend came on the heels of New Moon and at that time each month I check the total death counts to update the number of beads hanging in their heavy shining strands out on the monument. I take them all off the stone, bring them in and clean them and count them. If I need another hundred (or more) I string new beads and then return them to the monument. This counting, there were two strands of 300 beads, 14 strands of 200 beads, and 17 strands with 100 beads. I strung two more strands of 100 each to bring the count up to date.

Handling the beads always makes me feel sort of spaced out, as if I am floating. This time there was an additional component: an overwhelming compulsion to put them on---all of them. I often add new strands by wearing those only to walk the stones and then place them. I have never draped the entire weight onto my body before. And I wanted to feel the beads on my skin. I had been trying on skirts that I contemplated wearing to the planned party---so I stripped to the waist and draped all 35 strands over my shoulders, neck and wrapped round my arms. I stood shivering before the mirror and my eyes filled with tears. I walked outside into a misting rain, and to the Labyrinth with my cameraman Minotaur in tow. I briefly circled the central stone, I recall wrapping my arms round it for a moment. Tom did get that picture, but I stood up and posed for him. I wanted to get a shot that showed the most beads, and in a way, the least of me. I didn't want the photo to be 'me' so I covered my reddened eyes, I needed to be almost faceless. I felt like there needed to be a representative body under the beads, and mine was the only one I had to work with at the moment. We came back inside, uploaded the photos and selected one to post as a combination protest and plea for attention to the war that goes on and on without victory or end.

So, I should have been good with that, right? I was for most of Friday. Saturday I looked at the blog and thought "Oh my freaking GODS! What the hell was I thinking, where WAS my head?" I guess to answer that question, I could go pick up that 10 pounds worth of bead strands again, but then, would the same incoherent state ensue? I won't remove the picture, it was the right thing to do on Friday for reasons I cannot articulate in any sensible fashion. I suppose I will just shudder every time I see it until I get enough posts on the blog that it no longer is the first thing I see.

I don't know if it is a sign that I am doing my "job" badly that I still get rattled, or if it is a sign that I am doing it right?  I look at the beads and often leak at the eyes because they strike me as incredibly beautiful, more wonderfully lovely than mere stone, shell and metal can really be.  And I know I am seeing something of all the spirits they count and represent; I thank whatever deities tasked me with this for sufficient blindness to only half see this---I think the entire clear vision of this loss would render me useless and wrecked.

[Leigh]

Your ritual is a beautiful one and is very moving.  I think we're suppose to feel these things in order to be a witness to life.  It seems to me you are doing a good job.  Just my perception.

Warm Wishes,
Leigh

[Jennie]

The beads, I am certain, are beautiful, more beautiful than stones and metal alone could ever be. They represent the lives, the bodies, and the spirits of those who have been sacrificed in this war. How could they not be beautiful? To sacrifice is to make sacred, and what is more beautiful to the soul than holy things?

In your role as shaman, you DO have to feel the weight of all the deaths, not just in dribs and drabs, but all at once, the sum total of them all. That is where your head was when you wore those ten ponds of beads.That is where your head was when you uploaded that photo. You were not wrecked and useless. You were moving in sacred space, and acting as a conduit.

The shaman's task is not only to guide the spirits of the dead, to act as psychopomp, it is also to help the community come back into balance when it has lost its way. In order for the community to see how they must change, they need a clear symbol of what they are doing now, and what actions will get them back to where they need to be. Part of the function of a shaman is to go to the spirit realms and intercede on behalf of the community, and then to bring things back so that those who can't go there can still benefit from the lessons learned there. The Labyrinth is both a gateway and a symbol. So is the picture that was created and posted on your blog. The image and symbol of a woman simultaneously carrying the weight of all these deaths and the light and beauty of all these lives is a powerful one. To have your eyes covered shows that it is not you as an individual who bears the weight and the beauty of these lives and deaths, but you as a symbol of the community as a whole. It also simultaneously represents the willful denial of reality that is going on by individuals and the media, by those who refuse to see what the war has wrought and their part in it. But even if they close their eyes to it, they still bear the weight.

I, too, am known as the last woman of my generation to never have sampled illegal substances. It hasn't stopped me rom having some incredibly weird trips while doing shamanic work. For me, the hardest part of doing shamanic work is trusting while in ordinary reality that what I experience in altered states of consciousness is as real and valid and powerful as I assume my experiences of ordinary reality to be. It is no problem to trust the validity of the work I do when I am doing it. It is the doubting of my sanity,wisdom, and effectiveness later that is the real kicker. I imagine that such doubts are less common in cultures where shamans are more "mainstream". But I was called to work as a shaman in this time and place for a reason...and so were you.

[Labrys]

Thank you SO much, Jennie, for the validating reality check!
I have been much more trusting at following my instincts over the last five years in particular.  But, as you say, sometimes the "trip" is just so wild that I do find myself looking at my coffee cup as if it may have bitten me.

I do feel, quite strongly, that bit about asking the community for balance.  That was actually the strongest foundation of the Labyrinth at its inception; I hoped it would change public perception and end some of the madness.  I don't know if I expected that change too quickly or what, but that doesn't seem to be the primary thing anymore.  Something about the beauty of those beads speaks to the true priority, I guess.  Because yes, as I hold them they seem too incredibly precious---beautiful beyond any jewelry store window of glitter and gold.  I think I know how the legendary dragons felt about their hoards now!

I had to cover my eyes, I don't own a veil (maybe I should?) so I made do with what I had.  I am leaving the picture, but I admit, I really can't look at it.  It is too far out for my day to day non-shaman-priestess life.  I really need to work on getting those two realities to sit at the same table more restfully, I guess.

I am working at it, but like all else in my personal transformation, it is slow progress.  But it really is good to hear that I am not the only one on the planet who feels a bit crazy doing what I simply know I must do.  Thanks again!