Handfasting Rituals

[Silaria]

I need some advice and a push in the right direction for some research/reading.

This June there is a VERY good chance I will be officiating at the handfasting/wedding of two very dear friends of mine in Massachusetts (the location is important since their Union will only be recognized in certain states). I was originally supposed to be the photographer but another friend who was supposed to officiate will not be able to get that weekend off.

So, what I'm looking for is some good advice on constructing a meaningful Handfasting ritual. I know I'll need their input - that is a given. What I'm not sure about is how this ritual differs from an Esbat or Sabbat ritual in content. An outline of a traditional Handfasting would be FANTASTIC!

Any advice you can offer is greatly appreciated. If you need any more information, please ask.

[Jennie]

What you want to do when performing a handfasting is to help the couple create a clear, moving, and profound spiritual experience that creates as strong and lasting a bond as the couple desires, and that demonstrates clearly to the witnessing community that the contract is freely entered, mutually desired, and valid in the eyes of both wo/men and the Gods... and to accomplish this in about half an hour (or less!).  
 
The basic outline is usually pretty simple, but varies depending on the preferences of the couple, the nature of the other attendees, and any other factors that you and the couple as a team feel relevant. For example, in a religiously-mixed marriage, or with a couple whose attending families are less than comfortable with Pagan religion, or with a pair of Pagans who are more 'nature-focussed' and less oriented toward relationships with personal deities, the ritual text might focus more on the couple creating a bond and less on the Gods witnessing and sealing it than might be the case at a handfasting attended only by Pagans with a strong deity orientation.  
 
Like other acts that occur in mythic and magical realms, handfastings need a beginning, a middle, and an end. You would be amazed at how often this is neglected! The ritual needs to open, it needs to do that work that it is intended to do, and it needs to close, and everyone participating in it needs to be aware of when and how each of these things is happening, so there is no confusion,wandering of attention,or inappropriate dissipation or retention of energy. If your ritual accomplishes these things, it is a good ritual.
 
Particularly if there will be non-coveners attending, instruction and explanation should be worked into the ritual text in such a way that everyone understands what is happening and what they are to do without feeling as if they are being lectured or singled out - it should feel as if these words would be used regardless of who was in attendance.

Without more knowledge of what the couple wants from their ritual, it is hard to give you specifics. It is clear from your posting that this is a same-sex handfasting, so they might want  some modification from traditional Wiccan rituals, anyway. Is this a male couple or a female couple? What sort of theo/thea/logy do they adhere to? What is their desired bond (lifetime, as long as love lasts, a specified term?) Who is invited, and what considerations, if any, does the couple want you to take regarding the attendees? Where and when will this be held (indoor, outdoors, day night, summer, winter, etc.) and what impact will this have on the ritual? Do any of the participants or attendees have any health issues, dietary restrictions, or other conditions that might have an impact on the ritual? (No matter how traditional those delicious almond cakes might be, sending the mother of the bride into anaphylaxis is bad news. So is having a touch of the flu and sharing wine from a common chalice with Cousin Ivan, who is immuno-compromised from the anti-rejection drugs for the liver transplant he just had due to his alcoholism-induced cirrhosis.)

If I haven't made you want to go hide under a rock until the event is over, I hope this has given you something to start from in developing a ritual with your friends.
 

Bright blessings,
Jennie

[Lark]

Hi Silaria,

Jennie made some very good points in her post.  

Let me add a few things that I always talk to the couple about the first time we sit down and talk.

1. The number one thing I tell any couple I talk with is that this is going to be all about them, and I want whatever we come up with to be the most special day they could imagine.  So I want them to work with me, let me know what they like/don't like, and be a part of the entire process.

1. The first, and perhaps most important question is how openly Pagan do they want the ceremony to be?  I explain to them that I can do a ritual that won't even make their old Baptist Grandmother blink, or I can do it as openly Pagan as they like.  Or they can have something in the middle ground, more like a medieval wedding, without the circle casting, etc.

2. I ask them whether there are any particular Deities that they work with, because if they have Patrons then those are the ones that I will invite to the circle.

3. I ask them about how they invision their wedding.  What are they planning to wear?  What colors are they using? (I'll match altar decorations to the colors that they chose and I'll have them get handfasting ribbons to match as well.)  Do they want ritual garb?  Do they want everyone in medieval garb?  Shall we just wear mundane clothes?  (At a suggestion, if they are trying to have a handfasting that does not twig people to the fact that they are Pagan then I recommend getting yourself a "minister" suit to look the expected part.  I have a black suit with an ivory blouse that I normally wear for things like this.)

4. I give them scripts for a number of different ceremonies to look over.  We'll spend some time later talking about what they liked/didn't like about the rituals and start pulling a bit from here and a bit from there until we have one that is unique to them and just what they wanted.  In fact I've seldom used the same ritual more than once.

5. If I am doing a Pagan-specific ritual and the guests are not all Pagan then I spend a bit of time beforehand explaining things such as casting the circle, what the athame is for, and anything which is apt to be the least bit scarey or threatening.  I invite them up to look at what's on the altar and to explain anything they have questions about.  Do a fairly brief explanation and offer to answer any broader questions once the ritual is over.  I have found that if you approach it from the idea that what they are going to see looks different from what they are usd to, but that what we are doing is joining two people they love in the sight of the Divine most except the most intolerant will happily go along with it.

6. The biggest thing is to remember it is THEIR day and your role is to make it as special as possible.  So make certain that you work closely with the couple throughout the process.

Here's some links to a few rituals that I've used in the past that might give you some ideas of where you want to go with your own rituals in the future:

Here's one that can be used with non-Pagan families that we've consistently gotten good feedback on:  http://www.tangledmoon.org/oath-handfast.htm

And here's another that is very, very openly Pagan:  http://www.tangledmoon.org/handfasting_ritual.htm

Here's a link to a site which has a good number of life passage rituals including handfastings:  http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/amethystbt/lifestransitions.html

There are also several books out there now on planning medieval style weddings and handfastings.

Passages Handfasting: A Pagan Guide to Commitment Rituals (Passages) by Rev. Dr. Kendra Vaughan Hovey

Handfasting & Wedding Rituals: Welcoming Hera's Blessing by Raven Kaldera and Tannin Schwartzstein

Magickal Weddings: Pagan Handfasting Traditions for Your Sacred Union by Joy Ferguson

Tying The Knot: A Gender-Neutral Guide to Handfastings or Weddings for Pagans and Goddess Worshippers by Jade River

Now, another big issue for anyone doing handfastings is whether or not you will be trying to conduct a legally binding ceremony or whether the couple will have a civil ceremony and then come to you for the handfasting.  Here's a link to state by state requirements  http://www.tangledmoon.org/marriage-laws.htm  However, don't take this information at face value.  Always, always verify whether your credentials are valid with the county clerk where you live.  You really don't want your happy couple to find out five years down the road that their wedding wasn't legal!

Hope this helps,

-Lark-

[Blayze]

Hi all,

I totally agree with everything that Lark and Jenni have said.

Some more things to think about when you talk to the couple.

* Do the couple want to speak or read their parts in the ritual? This impacts on the length of the speaking parts.

* Do they want to just speak their vows or will they have a much more active role in the ritual such as invokation (however disguised) etc.

* They will probably be nervous and excited on the day, how much do they want or need to remember.

*Are they used to speaking or performing ritual actions in public. If they are shy, then leave any of the ritualistic stuff up to the priestess.

We have performed handfastings where the couple took a very active role with long speaking parts and ritual actions, others where the bride didn't like speaking in public, the group performed ritual stuff on the couple as they walked a spiral and stopped at various elements / guardians etc for blessings.

As Lark said, you can make very pagan rituals not look very pagan at all. If the ritual is beautiful and deceptively simple, then non-pagans usually do not have a problem with it.

Where there are lots of non-pagans attending, we have prepared the sacred space / circle beforehand and then invited all of the guests in before ritually welcoming the couple.


Another link.

Scroll down to Handfastings.

http://www.applegroveonline.com/rituals.asp

Bright blessings
Blayze

[Silaria]

Thank you all so much for the advice you've given me so far. Believe me, I'm smart enough to know what I DON'T know, which is why I asked. I do want to help my friends make this day very special for them and do have every intension of talking to them as much as possible. (We live close to 500 miles apart.)

Jennie, you didn't scare me off - you told me what I needed to know and think about; as did Lark and Blayze.

To answer some of your questions: this is a m/m partnership. Both are Pagan but (I don't believe) not Wiccan nor are they part of a Coven, Grove or other formalized group. The small guest list of very close friends (neither will be inviting parents/family for various reasons) will be predominately Pagan; those who are not Pagan are Pagan-friendly.

The bond they are forming is lifetime. They live in MA and are taking full advantage of the fact that same-sex marriages are permitted in that state.  The ritual will be the first weekend in June so the weather should be fairly nice. The location they are looking at is in Downtown Boston.


Lark, the way the Church that is training me for official Ordination is approaching this is using the "One Day Marriage Designation" Massachusetts has. The Rt. Reverend and Board member who live in my city, and are responsible for building a branch of the Church in Pittsburgh, are handling the paperwork. (The Church is the Church of the Ancient Paths out of Rochester, NY.) The board member has already been out on MA's state government website researching how they can get permission for me to legally perform the ceremony. At this point, that end of things is in their hands; which is why it is still a might that I'll be doing this. However, I figured it would be in my best interest to proceed as if I am and start planning NOW while there are still 3 months to go rather than waiting until the last minute.

Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I know this is anything but a "normal" ritual and want to do everything I can to make it extra special for the guys.

[Lark]

Sounds like the legal issues are being handled appropriately, so good for you.  By the way, did you notice that one of the books I listed for you was specifically aimed at handfastings for same sex couples?  That might be one you'll want to take a close look at.

-Lark-

[Silaria]

Yes I did, Lark.  I'll probably have to order it online since I've never seen it in the stores (and we don't have a good Occult shop in the area any more).

The friend I practice with has Handfasting & Wedding Rituals so she's going to let me borrow that. (I was actually looking for it Saturday night but the Borders Books didn't have it.)

As I start to put things together, I will probably ask people to look over what I'm doing. I usually write a pretty good Esbat or Sabbat ritual but for something like this I'd like people with more experience to look it over and provide some advice for improvements.

I'm going to start by compiling a list of questions for my couple. I'll email it to them and, if necessary, we'll figure out a way to conference call and discuss it.

[Rowan CedarWolf]

YOu can see the Handfasting Ritual I used for when I got married in the "crones and sages" section posted under "handfasting"

[Ara]

I love seeing all of this.  Cowboy and I are talking about getting married, and I have been looking in to other things besides the traditional wedding.  I would LOVE to have a handfasting, but Cowboy isn't Pagan, not are anybody in my family or his, but we want something different than  a traditional wedding.  Good information to help him see what it is.  

Peace

[Silaria]

Greetings all!

It's been a while since I posted about the Handfasting I was performing back in early June and thought I'd follow up and let everyone who gave me some very valuable advice an update on how it went.

The grooms were VERY happy with the ritual I put together for them. It was exactly what they wanted - short, simple and meaningful.

The non-Pagan guests were also very impressed by the ceremony. The only question I had after the fact was the symbolism related to crossing the besom; one I was able to explain this easily. (In hindsight, I could have added a line to explain the ritual of crossing the broom.)

The altar was very simple - a vase with roses, two floating silver candles (the colors were black and silver), a single white candle, the cord, my pentacle for blessing the cord & rings, and the besom leaning against the edge.  The ritual was printed out and pasted into a journal with a black leather cover; which I later presented to the grooms for a keepsake along with the two silver candles and, or course, their cord.

The Handfasting occurred in the Boston Public Gardens under a weeping willow along the lake. (We scouted the Gardens the day before and picked 3 locations, all with a weeping willow at the request of one of the grooms. We managed to get the first place we selected.)

The ritual itself was about 15 minutes long (not rushed; it just flowed that quickly). By the time it was over, we had a small crowd watching us.

The most difficult part was getting over my nerves. I never performed a ritual in a location as public as this. I was concerned we would be bothered by anti-gay or anti-pagan remarks during the ceremony. (Thankfully this didn't happen.)  Once I started, I looked primarily at my goomsmen with occasional looks back to the attendees. That helped calmed my nerves.

I'd like to thank everyone for the advice and suggestions you provided. It really helped me build a memorable Handfasting for my friends.

Blessed be.
Silaria

[Brijrian]

Thank you for the update! I'm so happy that it all went so well! Congratulations to the new couple! (And to you!)

*Brijrian