Mixed faith relationships

[Beith]

This is one which has been an issue for me for most of my adult life and I wondered what other pagans had experienced when in a relationship with a non-pagan.

Have you felt that you are unable to share an important part of your life with your partner or have you come to a reasonable compromise?  

Of course love conquers all, and all that, but I was just wondering what everyone else's experiences were!

[RedRonin]

Of course love conquers all

No, actually it doesn't and anyone thinking otherwise will be severly given notice sooner or later.

Families, couples, marriages, etc. have been ripped to shreds over this issues.  In the end, it comes down to individuals having to make choices between their other or thier family quite often.  There's nobody that wins in that situation.  It takes an extremely strong person to be able to deal with it.

I'm not much for compromise when it comes to things in my personal life.  I have my beliefs and they are part of me.  I'm not going to sacrifice a limb to pacify some doofus that doesn't care for the ring I'm wearing.  Likewise, I'm not deserting my personal spiritual beliefs because another person has an issue.  

The best time to head off problems like this is to make your position crystal clear at the beginning of a relationship, not spring it on people like some kind of surprise later on.  That makes it look like you either had something to hide or that you somehow had to determine if they were worthy of your "secret".  Neither one is a very good way to start things off.

[Rowan CedarWolf]

I have to say I agree with Red. Now I not saying you should go out on your first date and say "hi how are you , by the way I'm a witch." But once you know that you really like this person and there is a potentia for things to get serious it is important to let them know. If you wait too long to tell them they will most likely feel, that you have been deliberately decitful and they will end up being hurt and you will as well.
Down the road, when marriage and children get invovled it can get really sticky. Then you get the issues of "how do we get married?" In a church, at the court house, a handfasting? this has the potential to become very ugly.
And it you think that was ugly, wait until you have children, if you are pagan and he/she is Christian, then you have the whole naming/wiccaning vs. baptism debate and this will get truely ugly with hurt feelings for all! I have seen relationships dissolve over this one, and it really is a shame when it could all be avoided by being upfront in the beginging.

[Brijrian]

I think that this is something that comes up very often for pagans-the growing minority that we are.

Between my husband and myself, we have a pagan - non-pagan relationship, but it's not what you think! I'm pagan, and he's...well, he's super-ambiguious and doesn't know *what* he believes, although he does believe in a higher power (last I checked).

I do feel that there is a part of our respective lives that we aren't an interactive part of, but until he can figure out what he does believe, I don't think that there'll be much change there! We'll just keep exploring seperately and discussing together.

*Brijrian

[Zorro]

Of course love conquers all

No, actually it doesn't . . . .

Yea - sad but true.  Some folks can love one another very much, but their differences are too great and drives a wedge between them.  It all depends, I guess, on just how important those differences are to those involved and just how much their beliefs are a part of them and their life.

A friend of mine grew up in a very religiously rigid house hold.  It was his parent's way of thinking, or no way at all.  My friend, however, is an independent thinker and very, very, very sharp.  It didn't take long for him to see the problems with his parents' way of thinking, (my way or no way).

At first, he tried to work with the situation, but when they did nothing but beat him down all of the time (not meant literally), he used his intelligence to blow holes in their beliefs. And WOW!  He knew their religion inside and out.  He spent a long, long time studying it.

At first, he wanted to explain to them why he didn't accept their way of thinking.  Eventually, he used his intelligence to get back at them cause they wouldn't let up on him. Now, family relationships are fairly strained.  And yet, they all truly love one another.

Since he is now on his own and has been away from the situation for a while, he is more relaxed about things.  But they have soured him so regarding their religion, that he still is leary about anyone approaching him on that particular topic.

My point is that I think it can happen in a boy/girl man/woman relationship too.  It all depends on just how deeply you feel about your beliefs, and how the other feels as well.

For some people, their beliefs are very personal and very much a part of who they are.

Love, in situations like these, can wind up hurting because you just can't work it out.

[Still Kate]

Jon was aware of my beliefs from the start, as we are cousins and have known each other for 30 years (I remember the day he was born and what a little monster he was as a child) so he was well aware I am a witch.  
He was educated at a Roman Catholic school and attended High Church.    
He no longer goes to church and when we have discussed religion he does not have a preference or set beliefs.
We are going to have a naming ceremony for Millie and we'll get married in a registry office and have a big party afterwards with more of a Pagan theme.
His grandmother was asking me over Christmas about a Baptism for Millie and I made her aware of my views, which she didn't like but then she walked out on her children when the eldest was 8 years old so I don't think she has the authority to pass comment on whether I do or do not have my child Baptised or Christened.

[mermdotcom]

I think that this is something that comes up very often for pagans-the growing minority that we are.

Between my husband and myself, we have a pagan - non-pagan relationship, but it's not what you think! I'm pagan, and he's...well, he's super-ambiguious and doesn't know *what* he believes, although he does believe in a higher power (last I checked).

I do feel that there is a part of our respective lives that we aren't an interactive part of, but until he can figure out what he does believe, I don't think that there'll be much change there! We'll just keep exploring seperately and discussing together.

*Brijrian

That's exactly how my husband and I are.  He's perfectly willing to have spiritual discussions with me (and doesn't even roll his eyes anymore, haha) but he won't participate in rituals, although he has offered to make an exception when it comes to sexual rituals    *sighs* men.....

Anyway, while love doesn't conquer all, it does make it easier to compromise on that faith-based playing field.

~Meredith

[Zenon]

For me, having a relationship with someone who thinks and believes the same things I do would be disastrous.  I would learn nothing, experience nothing new, and become bored.  The sex would be terrible, if we would in fact use sex for magical purposes. It would take away all the fun out of sex if it were used for a specific TASK.  Muggle sex is fine for me.

I'd bet that my partner would become horrified if I suddenly turned into a God-fearing, noble young man - she would think, "something is definitely wrong with the universe" and instantly lose her faith.   If she suddenly turned into a fully-fledged WITCH, I would spend my days in paranoid fear of getting the evil eye... I'd be shrouded in talismans and herb satchets and be doing banishing rituals and circles 7 times a day.

My wife used to be a regular Latter Day Saints Church member....  I can't imagine myself in the white shirt and tie outfit...  Though the whole religion fascinates me.  On her side, she's glad that I have a spiritual path, but hates that I don't recognize Jesus as God's divne son, and also the fact that we can't get married in a Mormon temple.

That's how life goes.  Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law!

[Rowan CedarWolf]

I'm not saying that relationships between people of differing religious paths can't work, what I am saying is that it is an issue that needs to be addressed in a relationship when things begin to get serious, it isn't fair to just spring "oh Honey by the way I'm witch!" on someone especially if you are at the point where you are engaged or having children.
Just my opinion

[Ara]

As you said, springing any sort of faith to your partner isn't fair to either of you.

When my ex and I started dating, I gave it a week before I said anything.  Mostly testing the waters, seeing if I thought it could work.  When I finally decided he needed to know about my faith, I took him out to dinner and told him over linguini.  I figured that if it was only a week into a relationship, neither of us would get hurt if he needed to get out of the relationship.  He took it rather well, surprisingly.

I agree with Meredith.  Love may not conquer all, but it sure helps these situations alot!

<3 Ara

[Zenon]

an issue that needs to be addressed in a relationship when things begin to get serious, it isn't fair to just spring "oh Honey by the way I'm witch!" on someone especially if you are at the point where you are engaged or having children.

Very true.

In my case, I became serious with magic when I was already married and had children.  It took me more then a year to get things stable enough.

[mermdotcom]

I forgot to mention this before, but I have a friend whose mother is Mexican Catholic, and her father is Jewish.  I'd have loved to be there for the family introductions!

Anyway, the way she was raised, she was exposed to both faiths, but felt called to Judaism (she even teaches Hebrew at her temple on the weekends) while her sister felt closer to Christianity.  Her parents are still together, are still crazy about each other, and accept their children's choices in faith whole-heartedly.  And even though she's Jewish, my friend celebrates Christmas with a level of festivity to rival any Christian!

[Zenon]

I forgot to mention this before, but I have a friend whose mother is Mexican Catholic

Mexican Catholic is the same as a normal Catholic (the only difference is that it is in spanish).  Catholicism is the same Catholicism everywhere.

[Sebbi]

This isn't a topic I've thought about in years.

When I was pagan, my girlfriend at the time was Christian and it's interesting to see how the relationship changed both of us spiritually.

By the end of the relationship, I no longer called myself pagan and she no longer considered herself Christian.

We kind of ended up sharing our belief systems and intergrating the best bits of both and moderating out the extremes. Then again, we were both incredibly open minded spiritually; she was, thankfully, not one of those unmovable Christians who believed that her's was the only way.

I wouldn't call that "compromising" though. Neither of us were saying "Lets omit this from our established belief system for the other person." We were genuinly re-evaluating things and deciding for ourselves whether we thought they made sense or not.

Much Love
Sebbi

[mermdotcom]

I forgot to mention this before, but I have a friend whose mother is Mexican Catholic

Mexican Catholic is the same as a normal Catholic (the only difference is that it is in spanish).  Catholicism is the same Catholicism everywhere.

She likes to make that distinction, since she's so amused by the fact that she's the only Mexican Jew she's ever heard of!