Becoming a Member of a Coven

[Lark]

I have been dealing with something this week that makes this topic fresh in my mind, so I thought I would mention it here for the benefit of anyone who is thinking about joining a coven.

I received an e-mail from a young man who said he'd been studying for 3 years and who felt he would like to join a coven to learn more, so he contacted me to see about working with Tangled Moon.

I explained to him that we have a rule that minors (and yes, he was less than legal age) had to be accompanied by a parent or guardian to attend our functions, but that if his parents were willing to do that I would be happy to sit down with him and them and discuss Tangled Moon so they could decide whether to let him come.

So I get an e-mail back saying his parents wouldn't come to ritual but couldn't he come anyway.  I again explained the legal reasons why we couldn't and why a permission slip was not sufficient.  And you guessed it, he asked whether we would make an exception if his Mom would sign a permission slip.  And again I told him that this was a rule for which we do not make exceptions, but I would be willing to talk to his Mom and see whether I could encourage her to accompany him to rituals.

So what did he respond?  He sent me a note saying I didn't have the right to deny his request to come to circle with us.  He felt that his right to have what he wanted when he wanted it was more important than all the legal reasons why my group will not accept minors.

So, I thought I would bring up something here that I told him as well.  Being a member of a specific coven is not a RIGHT!

A coven is a very closely knit magical working group where it is absolutely necessary that the personalities and energies of the group members mesh well together.  It is in many ways a family of choice.  So in order to keep a healthy group and maintain the cohesiveness that makes a good coven function, it is vital to be very careful in chosing new people to join the group.

When you approach a coven and ask to become a member, that group has to take a good look at you, your personality, what you want from the group..and weigh that against the needs and desires of the group.  Sometimes you'll all find that you are a good match, and that's great.  Sometimes it won't work out and the answer will be no.  That doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with you, just that you aren't a good fit for a particular group.  I've had that happen with people who come to Tangled Moon, and we always try to refer then on to another group that would be more suited to their needs.

But I can promise you that yelling at me and telling me that I can't refuse you because you have the RIGHT to be in my coven is the fastest way that I know to insure that you will never see the inside of Tangled Moon..nor will I give you a vouch to anyone else.

Just something to think upon.

-Lark-

[NachtSorcier]

I think a lot of people could learn from the character Albus Dumbledore from the Harry Potter series: be calm, gentle, and polite, and only be forceful when you need to.  Really need to.

[Zenon]

You did well, it was probably best not to let that person in being that he was yelling and screaming.  Covens are no place for babies anyway.

Have you ever had any issues with prospective members who were married/in a relationship, who did not want to tell their spouse/partner they belonged to a coven?

[Anonymous]

He sent me a note saying I didn't have the right to deny his request to come to circle with us.

Well, obviously he sent this so you'd see the error of your ways and say, "Oh! I'm sorry - but of course I realise that me breaking the law is fine for you, cause you're just what we need!"...Geez. What an egit.

You'd think the "it's not legal" excuse would work for most poeple, much better than hearing "we don't like you!" which is I'm sure how you feel about him now!

~Rowena

[Anonymous]

Personally myself, this just strenghtens the idea that poeple uner age should not join covens and the reason there is an age limit is because of people like him who are so imature and that to me is quite eye opening. I never understood it but now it is all clear.

[Lark]

Have you ever had any issues with prospective members who were married/in a relationship, who did not want to tell their spouse/partner they belonged to a coven?

We've never had this issue come up, but my response to someone like that is that hiding something that big from your spouse is not a good idea and will come out in the end.  It's like basing a relatiohship on a lie, which is never good.

We have had coveners whose spouses are not Pagan and we encourage them to bring their spouses to meet the rest of us at informal things like cook-outs so that they can see that their spouse isn't being dragged into some weird cult.  And spouses are always welcome to come to circle to see just what we do.  Some of them come once, figure out that we're harmless, and don't feel the need to come again.  Some find something that speaks to them in the rituals and end up a part of us too.  But I would hate to find that the coven was coming between two people in a committed relationship, especially since that doesn't have to happen.

-Lark-

[Anonymous]

I've considered joining a coven before, but I'd have to find something in my area, which I haven't been able to find. So, anyway, the only hassle I can get from young wannabes is requests for validating in their theory that the east coast of the US has an energy barrier up, that they can sense. (Yes that's actually what they claimed).

[mermdotcom]

Geez, Lark! How could you be so selfish as to put your desire not to go to jail ahead of this young man's "need" to get what he wants?    :wink:

I do actually have a question, though.  When you don't personally know any other pagans that live within, oh say, 1000 miles, how can you find a coven, or even some sort of study group?  I'd really like some people to have discussions with, to learn from and teach to, to bounce ideas off of, but I'm also realistic and know that putting up a post or a website saying, "Hey!  I'm Pagan and need a coven or study group!"  I'm likely to get all sorts of weirdos, cultists, and hoaxes mixed in with any valid replies.  So where does one start?

[Lark]

do actually have a question, though. When you don't personally know any other pagans that live within, oh say, 1000 miles, how can you find a coven, or even some sort of study group?

One of the best places to start is at Witches' Voice.  Here's a link to the page for Texas listings:  http://www.witchvox.com/vn/hm/ustx.html  This site lists groups by city so you can check for ones near you.  Be aware though that witchvox does not screen the groups that list there..so some will be good and some will not.  Always try to meet with some of the people from the group prior to going to any rituals, etc so that you can get a feeling for whether it's a group that you'd be interested in at all.

Another good place to start would be at any open Pagan events in your area (also listed on the site I gave you).  The advantage here is that you can mix and mingle and scope out the members of a group to see if you even want to talk to them.

And yet another place to check out would be any metaphysical stores in your area.  Some groups will list themselves with such places and the stores can give you contact information.

Something to consider as well...do you have a particular Wiccan Trad that you're interested in?  Each has a different flavor and you might want to check out some of them to see which appeals to you.  If you are interestd in either Gardnerian or Alexandrian groups the best place to make a contact is on the Amber and Jet mailing list at Yahoo.  In fact, since many of those groups don't advertise at all the A&J list might be the only way to find them.  And here's a link to a site with information/contacts for a number of different Trads you might find useful  http://www.rosebudsgarden.com/ROW/traditions.html

Another listing of covens in Texas can be found at http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/regional/a/texas.htm

And as a last resort try typing +coven +Texas into Google and wading through the myriad links that pop up.

-Lark-

[mermdotcom]

Thank you Lark!  I'm not new to my beliefs, but it took me so long to put a name to it (and find out there were others who believed like I did), that I'm still kinda new to this world.  It can be a little scary!